How to Steal Military Plans from the Russians While Carrying a Turkey

If you plan on stealing military plans from the Russians while carrying a turkey, you need a plan. If you fully intend on attempting this mission, you must start with the basics. 

First things first, acquire a turkey. Turkeys are regular farm animals in some countries, but depending on where you come from, you may have slightly more trouble. Perhaps try the local farm. Or maybe a poultry market. Be polite to the sales person and try to give them the correct money - poultry markets are generally not highly stocked with extra change. When you have your turkey, take it home, encourage it to be happy, offer it some tea. If you think these seem like pointless tasks, you have obviously not tried to steal military plans from the Russians while carrying an unhappy turkey before. The turkey’s wellbeing is of utmost importance. If it gets upset, your entire operation may be compromised. Give it extra pats and treats for good behaviour, but don’t get too upset with it if it makes a mistake. After all, it is only a turkey. 

After you have acquired your turkey and made sure it is happily settled, you must ready yourself to begin your mission. Make sure you are properly dressed for the occasion. Bright colours are the best way to go. After all, most people expect camouflage from intruders. If you stride in loudly with your fluorescent pink jumpsuit, bright orange shoes, and yellow hat, no one will ever notice you, let alone suspect you. 

With turkey in hand and the proper attire sorted, there is just one more thing necessary before stepping out on your journey. You must organise your mode of transport. Helicopters are overrated, and aeroplanes are so passé. For this mission, you need something subtle, yet eye-catching. The best suggestion for this is of course a Wedge-Tailed Eagle, but apparently they don’t get along so well with Turkeys, so you may have to settle for a Giant Bumblebee. These are not so easy to find, but I have heard they frequent service stations in Italy. 

Once you have made it to Russia, make sure you have some food and water on hand for the turkey. It has been a mighty long flight after all. It may also require a rest of 12.5 minutes before continuing. Once this rest has taken place, get back on the Giant Bumblebee, check that you have your turkey, brightly coloured clothes, and toothbrush, and fly off to the Russian military base, where the military plans are hidden. 

Upon your arrival, you may experience a few weird looks, and perhaps a bit of shouting may occur. However, if you have done everything exactly as I have told you, they should think you are some strange sort of delusion, and just hand you the plans in the hope that you go away.

Why do you need to be carrying a turkey while stealing military plans from the Russians, you ask? Well, seriously, what a stupid question.

Run Lola Run

Your guide to understanding Run Lola Run. This pretty much sums it up.

Oh Google, You get better and better all the time

I just found this in a random search. It made my day. 

"Google launched Street View in 25 UK cities today as an addition to its Google Maps service. To create the virtual maps Google took tens of millions of photographs from cities in the UK.

As well as being able to see your house, your local pub, or famous attractions, Google has also put Wally, the popular children's book character from Where's Wally, into Street View.

However, Google has not said where Wally is and is asking Google Street Viewers to hunt him down."

 (source, http://www.webuser.co.uk/websites/online-fun-blog/websites/392755/where-s-wally-in-google-street-view)

How to Get Your Poetry Published

How To Get Your Poetry Published

·      Don’t send out anything that you feel isn’t finished

·     Don’t listen to men who talk about poetry and such

·      Don’t anything

·      Be happy

·      Make Morgan cartwheel

·      Do several back flips

·      Dance crazily with your hands wrapped around your head for seventeen minutes and thirty three seconds

·      Untie your shoelaces and tie them back up again

·      Untie someone else’s shoelaces

·      Listen to a song, then listen to it backwards

·      Fly to the moon, then wave at Pluto on the way back

·      Bake cookies… for Morgan

·      Plant a tree… in the middle of a road

·      Drive around a roundabout seven times before going back the way you came

·      Undo all the screws on your kitchen table, then blame it on your brother

Now you are ready to bombard someone with your poetry. Annoy them as much as you can. Send 6972 pieces of poetry to everyone, regardless of what they publish. Pester them as much as possible. Set your publication goals really high and don’t settle for less. They will love you, and publish everything. 

OH&S in the writing industry with Sara

Health and Safety in the Writing Industry

A 500 word journal entry on OH&S? How boring. 

Let’s meet Sara. She is going to teach us about OH&S in the writing industry. When Sara gets bored, she starts kicking things. This is not good OH&S practice. She will hurt her foot. So when you have writers block, don’t kick things.

Sara was never very good at sitting up straight. She always sat at her computer and typed for days on end with a slumped back. Her computer desk was also too high, as Sara was a shorty. After spending three days straight writing an amazing story about camels and unicorns and jellybeans, Sara found herself crippled with back pain, and immense RSI in her wrists. But who cares, her story was going to make millions for this humpback.

Sara didn’t have much money. Her office was a tiny, cramped basement, with no windows, dull lighting, and no airflow. Sara was getting depressed. And the lack of light has made her have to squint to see her computer and all the things around her properly. This made Sara stressed, and her eyesight grew progressively worse. The worse it got, the more she squinted, and the worse her eyesight got. So went on this vicious circle. So Sara was now almost blind, depressed and anxious. But who cares, she had a good story.

Sara shall now teach you about being tidy in the writing industry. Seeing as lots of writers work from their own homes or from offices, they need to make sure that they don’t leave cords or other things around that they or others may trip over. An example of this, Sara has writers block, again. She starts to pace her office, trying to stimulate the thoughts into coming. Unfortunately, Sara had not tidied the cords of her computer well. She ended up tripping on one while pacing. Not only did she fall over and break her leg, upon pulling the cord, Sara’s computer came crashing down, exploded and started a fire. Seeing as Sara had broken her leg, she couldn’t move, and there was no one else in the house to save her. Sara is now dead. This is why you must follow OH&S practices. You don’t want to end up dead like Sara do you?

So Sara has taught us an important lesson. She has a sore foot from kicking things, a crippled back, RSI in her wrists so she can no longer type, barely any eyesight left, she is depressed, and has a broken leg. Oh and yes I almost forgot. She is dead. So folks, OH&S is important. Don’t take it lightly. And I haven’t even mentioned the time Sara stabbed herself in the eye with a pencil…

Yay for OH&S! I love it. You should love it too.

P.S. I made it to 500 words. Easily. Take THAT health and safety. Take that.