If you plan on stealing military plans from the Russians while carrying a turkey, you need a plan. If you fully intend on attempting this mission, you must start with the basics.
First things first, acquire a turkey. Turkeys are regular farm animals in some countries, but depending on where you come from, you may have slightly more trouble. Perhaps try the local farm. Or maybe a poultry market. Be polite to the sales person and try to give them the correct money - poultry markets are generally not highly stocked with extra change. When you have your turkey, take it home, encourage it to be happy, offer it some tea. If you think these seem like pointless tasks, you have obviously not tried to steal military plans from the Russians while carrying an unhappy turkey before. The turkey’s wellbeing is of utmost importance. If it gets upset, your entire operation may be compromised. Give it extra pats and treats for good behaviour, but don’t get too upset with it if it makes a mistake. After all, it is only a turkey.
After you have acquired your turkey and made sure it is happily settled, you must ready yourself to begin your mission. Make sure you are properly dressed for the occasion. Bright colours are the best way to go. After all, most people expect camouflage from intruders. If you stride in loudly with your fluorescent pink jumpsuit, bright orange shoes, and yellow hat, no one will ever notice you, let alone suspect you.
With turkey in hand and the proper attire sorted, there is just one more thing necessary before stepping out on your journey. You must organise your mode of transport. Helicopters are overrated, and aeroplanes are so passé. For this mission, you need something subtle, yet eye-catching. The best suggestion for this is of course a Wedge-Tailed Eagle, but apparently they don’t get along so well with Turkeys, so you may have to settle for a Giant Bumblebee. These are not so easy to find, but I have heard they frequent service stations in Italy.
Once you have made it to Russia, make sure you have some food and water on hand for the turkey. It has been a mighty long flight after all. It may also require a rest of 12.5 minutes before continuing. Once this rest has taken place, get back on the Giant Bumblebee, check that you have your turkey, brightly coloured clothes, and toothbrush, and fly off to the Russian military base, where the military plans are hidden.
Upon your arrival, you may experience a few weird looks, and perhaps a bit of shouting may occur. However, if you have done everything exactly as I have told you, they should think you are some strange sort of delusion, and just hand you the plans in the hope that you go away.
Why do you need to be carrying a turkey while stealing military plans from the Russians, you ask? Well, seriously, what a stupid question.
